How to write about Manchester United

Be sure to mention finances, noisy neighbours and midfield weakness, they are central to everything United these days.

Regardless of the fact that they spent a few quid in the summer one loss means they should go out and buy 12 players like this is a real life version of Football Manager. They aren’t allowed to have off days, either they are totally awful and on the decline or totally awesome (rarely).

Make sure you talk about the ‘natives’, none of them are actually from Manchester and Man City are the real team of the city whilst United’s fans are all from London and Asia so a 6-1 win for Man City means that the whole of Manchester was delighted leaving all of the fans who travelled however many miles to be there, with long and humiliating treks back to where they came from.

Old Trafford is always quiet, nobody sings in there as they are all too busy eating their prawn sandwiches. Even Roy Keane said it.

When looking at the team be sure to mention the dodgy keeper, United have a history of them and this new guy seems no different, I mean he did just concede 6. The defence can’t be too confident with a 20 year old behind them. If anyone mentions the decent performances he has made this term point them in the direction of his mistakes against Man City in the Community Shield and West Brom. If they say he needs time to settle remind them that he cost £17m.

Make sure you mention their defensive frailties too. Rio Ferdinand is past it, Evra has never really been a good defender and despite being captain and signing a new deal Nemanja Vidic still hates Manchester’s weather and wants to go Real Madrid. The new crop aren’t much better either, Smalling and Jones both won’t be top quality center backs because they are being used out of position now whilst the Da Silvas are too rash to make anything of themselves.

Be sure to mention Jonny Evans, ignore everything and just say he is shit everyone will agree, in fact do that with Michael Carrick too, he’s another one that can go on that list.

Be sure to mention that Carrick can only pass side ways and that he isn’t the player he was a few years ago. Don’t mention the fact his role has changed though, it will seem like you are excusing his constant poor performances.

When talking about Anderson ask why he isn’t the new Ronaldinho yet? Ignore his talent and his age just focus on the fact that he isn’t doing a million step overs and scoring incredibly silly goals like Ronaldinho.

Question when Nani will turn into Cristiano Ronaldo, they are both Portuguese, both two footed and are/were wingers. There are enough comparisons there so I’m sure everyone will go along with it.

Be sure to mention that no matter how happy he seems, at one point Javier Hernandez will pack up and head to Real Madrid. Even if he has just signed a new deal it’s just prolonging the inevitable.

Mention that Wayne Rooney isn’t at the top level of world football. He doesn’t score enough goals and if he has a good goal scoring season then pick holes in his all round game, if he has a good season all round then just say he isn’t Messi nobody will disagree. Be sure to continue bringing up his contract dispute and the fact he cheated on his wife, even over something trivial like a yellow card.

Make sure you mention that the up coming players aren’t good enough, yes they said that when the FA Youth Cup winning team of 1992 started filtering into the first team but I doubt Welbeck, Cleverley etc will be able to prove you wrong again even if they have both been good this season.

Do pretend to know about and be excited about the younger class though. Whenever talking about them just mention Paul Pogba, Ravel Morrison and Ryan Tunnicliffe to make it seem like you know what you’re talking about. Tunnicliffe is the new Roy Keane, Pogba the new Vieira and Morrison is the kid from the wrong side of town that has a chip on his shoulder but with tons of talent. Keep it generic like that and nobody will be none the wiser that you haven’t actually seen them play.

Manchester United have bought their way to success, make sure you mention that. Even if other clubs spend money it is only United that have bought titles. They have a lot to thank Sky for with increased money in the Premier League age. Nobody supported United before the Premier League anyway.

Finally always paint Sir Alex out to be as mean as you can. He’s rude, aloof and bullies referees so anything else is irrelevant. Stories like him helping Alan Pardew by inviting him to Old Trafford to shadow his training sessions when inbetween jobs or inviting teenager Max Lonsdale to trial at the club after he was rejected by Macclesfield Town are rarities.

He’s a bad loser too, always looking for excuses even if he invites opposition managers for a drink following games or goes to their dressing room to congratulate them personally.

He isn’t as good as managers like Cloughie because he took much longer to win the title with United and look how much money he spent doing it. Try not to mention his 25 year dynasty at Old Trafford or the fact that he was successful at Aberdeen prior, instead refer to United’s lean spell a few years ago and if they are going through a tough spell, make comparisons.

Be sure to mention the importance of his assistants and coaches and how they do all the work, Sir Alex is more of a figure head than a manager anyway.

Oh yeah! Make sure you talk about how tactically inept he is, that is always a good one!

Mention that he should have won the European Cup way more than he has and that if he was a great manager he would have even more medals in his cabinet.

Always end any article mentioning how United will struggle once Sir Alex leaves though, on that day they’ll really be in trouble.

See, writing about United is a piece of cake!